Marriage, Our Maker, and Our Children

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This is the last message from our series “Marriage and our Maker.” And the topic I want to deal with today is child raising.

There are five areas where marriages typically struggle. And we’ve looked at four of them so far. 

1) Communication and the ability to resolve conflict 

2) Finances 

3) In-laws

4) Sexual intimacy 

5) Children 

In many ways our discussion today is a culmination of what we’ve taught the last seven weeks. Because, as the old playground taunt goes, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.” 

Now let’s be clear about this, children are a blessing from God. They are a wonderful gift from above. But children can cause a lot of problems in marriage. Children can divide a couple in a way that few other things can. Children, especially as they age, can get really good at exploiting the disunity of their parents for their own gain. Your kids are smart. They’ve got your DNA, so you know they can cause trouble. 

I heard a parent say this once. He said, “Raising kids is like pushing an old car… in first gear… with the emergency brake jammed on … and a sumo wrestling team inside… from New York … to Hawaii … and back.” Is that an apt illustration right there of child-raising? Raising kids is tough. 

And you better be up for this. For the sake of your marriage… for the sake of your kids… for the sake of your Savior whom you serve and want to honor in this important task that he’s given you… you need to know how to operate as a spouse and a parent.

Today, I’m going to give you “Five Biblical Principles for Raising your Children.” And then I’m going to give you five additional principles that answer the question: “What about Marriage and Children?” And I want to concentrate there on how to guard your marriage — how to strengthen your marriage even! — while in the process of raising children. 

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Let’s start with this first principle. Parents…

1) Get a vision for your kids’ lives (Prov 22:6; 29:15-18)

What is your vision for your children’s lives? Do you have one? I’ll tell you right now, the government has a vision for your children’s lives! LGBTQ+ activists have a vision for your children’s lives! The National Education Association has a vision for your children’s lives! Your son’s baseball coach has a vision for his life. Your daughter’s volleyball coach has a vision for her life. Your children’s friends have a vision for your children’s lives. Do you have a vision for them? Do you have a plan for them? 

Solomon says in the book of Proverbs,

Proverbs 29:18 – Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, 

This is one of the most oft-quoted but poorly understood passages in the Bible. Where there is no vision… the ESV translation says, “Where there is no prophetic vision” … and that’s the right understanding of this word. The Hebrew word here is חָזוֹן, which means “communication from God” or “revelation.” Where there is no prophetic vision; where there is no word from God; where there is no clarity about what God wants. Where there is no God-directed, God-honoring vision, the people run wild! 

That’s your kids. That’s your kids if you fail to give them something better or more substantive than what the world feeds them. 

Solomon goes on to say, 

Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, but blessed is he who keeps the law.

This statement “cast off restraint”… this is one word in Hebrew. And it’s an interesting word. In the active Qal form it means, “to be out of control” or “run wild.” But this is the Nifal passive form of this verb. So literally what’s being said is that “where there is no prophetic vision the people are unrestrained.” They are allowed to run wild and be out of control. 

And here’s what’s interesting. The verse right before Proverbs 29:18 is Proverbs 29:17. And that is not a coincidence. I know that in Proverbs the context can change on a dime, but in this case, I think verse 18 is intimately linked with verse 17.

Proverbs 29:17 – Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

That’s the positive presentation there. That’s the positive result of having vision and disciplining your children. So, back to verse 18, where there is no prophetic vision… where there is no clear word from God as to what he requires, what he expects, what he demands of you as a parent… people break loose. Where there is no clear God-given vision for parents—what they are going for—children break loose. They cast off restraint. 

“Okay, so what is the vision, Pastor Tony?” Look, there is only one right vision for your child’s life. And even if as a parent you have to pray for it until your son is 40 years old, you can never lose sight of the one thing that matters most. Your vision for their lives is for them to fear and love God. 

Solomon says in Proverbs 22:6, 

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

What’s the way? What’s the way your children should go? That word is singular by the way. There is only one “way” that they should go and that is the way of God-fearing. 

Your vision for your kids’ lives is for them to know God and follow God. And on this side of the cross that means submitting themselves fully to Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord. That is your vision! That is your primary goal as a parent. And if you don’t lock into that vision, if you don’t sell out for that vision, something else or someone else will come along and give your kids a vision that has nothing to do with fearing God or following Christ. 

“Why is this such a big deal, Tony?” Here’s why. Because a lot of parents have a wrong vision for their kids. They want their children to be successful. That’s an empty vision. That is an empty vision that if you push your children exclusively into that, they will come to hate you for what you required of them because they will find out how very empty it is. 

Some parents have a vision of wanting their children to be happy. That’s a short-sighted vision. And every time you turn away from what might make them upset in the moment in favor of your own peace and quiet, that is a short-sighted vision.

Some parents want their children to make them happy. That is a dangerous vision. That’s what the whole story of Abraham and Isaac is about. When you get to the place where you love your kid more than you love God, you are putting your child at risk. Don’t ever let your child get between you and God.

Now here’s the right vision—the only vision, the biblical vision: “I want my child to be a committed God-fearing follower of Jesus Christ.” Period! “I want my child, I want my son, I want my daughter, I want my children, I want my grandchildren to be committed followers of Jesus Christ.” Period! If they have that then they’ll have everything, no matter what they don’t have. And if they don’t have that, they have nothing, no matter what they’ve acquired or achieved. 

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Now I know what some of you are thinking right now. You are saying, “Pastor Tony, there’s nothing that I can do to guarantee my children will become followers of Jesus Christ.” 

Some of you might even say, Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” “Pastor Tony, that’s a truism not a promise. You’ve used that before as an example of how to interpret the Proverbs.” That’s true. There is nothing you can do to guarantee that your children will follow Christ. 

But let’s be clear, you as a parent are not an innocent bystander. We, as parents, have a moral obligation to teach our children and instruct them in the ways of the Lord. 

Write this down as a second Biblical principle:

2) Make obedience a priority in your kids’ lives (Eph 6:1–3)

In Ephesians 5, Paul deals with the issue of marriage. Ephesians 5 has that great declaration of Christ and the church and how man and wife exemplify the eternal marriage between Christ and the church. The key words in the husband/wife relationship are love and submission. Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church. Wives submit to your husbands as the church does to Christ, as Christ submits to God the Father. 

But after that, Paul deals with parents and children in Ephesians 6. And the key word for the child to parent relationship is “obedience.” 

In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says…

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 

I’ve had Alastair memorize that verse in ten different Bible versions. When he was a kid, I used to say, “You know what daddy’s favorite Bible verse is? Ephesians 6:1.” “Children obey your parents in the Lord.” 

We used to sing fun songs about that verse. “Children obey your parents in the Lord. Children obey your parents in the Lord.” You know what that is, parents? That’s good old-fashioned brainwashing. It’s the same thing that Taylor Swift does. We just do it better than her. 

Look at verse 2.

2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 

That’s nothing more than Paul quoting the fifth commandment (Exod 20:12). And it’s the only commandment of the ten that has a promise attached to it. You might say, “I thought this message was about marriage and parenting, Pastor Tony, not being a good kid.” Well here’s what I want you to see in this. Parents, when you expect your kids to obey you, you are doing right by them. Not only is this right according to the Bible, but it also actually blesses their lives. When they honor you… when they respect you… when they obey you… they access this promise from the fifth commandment. 

By the way, I don’t think Paul wrote Ephesians 6:1–4 just for kids. He wrote it for kids, but he wrote it for parents too. He wrote it so that you as parents would see an expectation that your kids obey you as good and necessary and right. So insist on their obedience. 

James Dobson says in his book Dare to Discipline that whenever there is a battle of the wills between you and your children at a young age, you need to win that battle. And you need to “win decisively.” Your kids need to know that you are the authority in the home. It’s healthy for them. Otherwise there’s a loss of control and a loss of stability. 

I know this totally goes against contemporary wisdom in our age. People nowadays think that children are innocent and intelligent and insightful, and their parents are dopes. Look at how parents are presented in many movies and TV sitcoms. The kids espouse wisdom and erudition, and their parents run around like dunderheaded nincompoops. That’s not consistent with what the Bible teaches about parents or children. Parents are called to teach and train their children. 

So let me say it again. Parents, when you expect your kids to obey you, you are doing right. You are doing right by them. You are blessing their lives. You are preparing them for a life filled with promise and goodness. They need to obey you. And your words need to be worthy of obeying.

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So it’s biblical and it’s necessary for children to obey parents and for parents to expect their children to obey them. But what if you’re having trouble getting your kids to obey you. What if you’re not “winning decisively”? Then this is what you do. Write this down #3:

3) With love, discernment, and self-control, use the rod (Prov 13:24; 22:15; 29:15)

Now I want to tread carefully on this topic because this is a topic that can lead people to extremes and dangers that can be very destructive. And we don’t want that. 

Proverbs 13:24 –Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. 

Proverbs 22:15 – Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Proverbs 29:15 – The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Now there is a way that the rod can be utilized as an act of love. There is a way that the rod can be utilized to discipline and give life to a child. But there is also a way that a rod can be used to destroy a child. And that is an extreme that we need to avoid. Let me just explain how a rod should be used with five principles.

Don’t ever lash out in anger. Before you spank you need to cool off. You need to think through it rationally and you need to decide whether or not the punishment fits the crime. And you need to make sure that you’re not angry and lashing out at your children because you had a bad day at work or didn’t get enough sleep the night before. 

When I was a kid, my dad never spanked me in anger. Not visible anger, anyway. I’m sure he was angry. But he was always calm and cool and collected and civil and rational about it. He never did it with unchecked aggression. 

Don’t ever spank for the wrong reasons. Don’t spank a kid because they got a B on their report card. That is cruel. And it’s wrong. Don’t do that. Don’t spank a child for forgetfulness. Don’t spank a child for making messes unintentionally. Don’t spank a child for being rambunctious, especially if you’ve pumped him full of sugar and caffeine. You should spank yourself for that, not him. 

Let me help you a little more with this, there were three “spankable” offenses in our home when my son was little. We called these the three D’s: 1) Defiance, 2) Disrespect, and 3) Dishonesty. 

Spank with a rod. Don’t use your hand. Don’t kick them with your feet. That is dehumanizing. You take a rod or a spoon or a belt or a switch or whatever you use. It was always a belt in my house. You display that in front of your children. If they start down a road of defiance, you direct their gaze to the rod. And spank them on the butt. When I was a kid my pastor’s wife would always say God gave them ample padding back there, that’s where you should spank. Don’t slap them in the face. Don’t pull their hair. Don’t do any of that. When Alastair was little, we used to flick him in the thighs when he would throw food or disobey or whatever. And that worked good till about age two. And then the flick just doesn’t work anymore. It doesn’t supply enough pain to be effective.   

Make sure it hurts. My pastor used to say when I was a kid, “If it doesn’t hurt when you spank, you’re not doing it right.” There’s a way to lovingly and discerningly correct behavior with a quick and painful spanking.

Make sure you spank at the appropriate age. Listen if you are spanking a pre-teen, you lose. If you are forced to use the rod on a Junior Higher, you’re too late. That’s something that is done by the first, second, or third grade. Spanking is intended for the children who are not developed enough to figure it out on their own and so a quick experience of pain protects them from hurting themselves. As your kids age, that needs to be replaced by reasoning and dialogue and taking away privileges and other more meaningful types of punishment.

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Write this down as #4:

4) As your kids age, help move them from compliance to heartfelt obedience (Eph 6:4)

Let’s go back to Ephesians 6. 

Ephesians 6:2–3 – “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 

We looked at these verses already when we covered in-laws, and we concluded if you remember that parents aren’t always to be obeyed but they are always to be honored. In other words, your obligation towards obedience ends when you move out of the house and become your own man or woman, and especially ends when you get married yourself. Man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife (Gen 2:24). 

But even though obedience ends, honor never ends. We never stop honoring our parents even if we’re 75 and our parents are 95. So obedience and honor are the two commands for the kids. 

But what about the parents? Well, Paul says in verse 4:

Ephesians 6:4 – Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Some of you might say, “Fathers…bring them up in the discipline of the Lord? I thought child-rearing was women’s work… you know fathers go off to work, pay the bills, put food on the table. And women do the child-raising!” Not according to the Apostle Paul. Paul knew exactly what he was doing when he said “Fathers… bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” And this comes right on the heels of Ephesians 5 where Paul tells husbands to lead their wives and love their wives as Christ does the church. Dads, one of your primary roles as leader in the home is bringing up the children! 

By the way, one of the things that’s changed in our modern world, ever since the industrial revolution, is that fathers actually leave the home to provide for their families. It used to be that the fathers stayed home and worked on the farm or cobbled shoes or raised sheep or whatever. And so a father was always around teaching and instructing and disciplining. But now, fathers go away from home to work. And we might think errantly that fathers provide for kids and mothers raise the kids. That’s not right. 

Now I’m not going to try to reverse the effects of the Industrial Revolution. That’s a fool’s errand. But I want us as fathers to go back to the Biblical paradigm of fathers teaching and discipling their children. You can do that even if you have an “8 to 5” away from home. 

Paul tells fathers in verse 4 to “bring them up.” This is a command in Greek. Do this, dad! Bring your kids up! The Greek word used here ἐκτρέφω. It has the idea of feeding or nourishing them. In fact this same word is used in Ephesians 5:29. “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes (ἐκτρέφω) it.” 

Dads, the Apostle Paul gives you a direct command here to nourish your kids. That’s on you! You don’t delegate that to their mom. You do this!

In fact Mary Eberstadt wrote an article a few years ago called “The Fury of the Fatherless.” And one of the things that she concludes in that article is that lot of the unrest in our country is the result of epidemic fatherlessness. I’m inclined to agree with her. What she argues is that the rage of many adolescents and young adults on social media and on university campuses and even more recently with the rioting in D.C. and elsewhere is the result of undernourished, neglected kids from dysfunctional, fatherless homes. I think she’s onto something. 

And that’s the exact opposite of what Paul commands dads in this passage. “Fathers, you bring up, you nourish (ἐκτρέφω) your children… in the LORD.” “How do I do that, Pastor Tony?” Well, Paul gives you two words here: 1) “discipline” and 2) “instruction.” 

Let’s talk first about this word “discipline.” This is an important word. The Greek word for discipline here is the word παιδείᾳ. It has the idea of “training.” You train your children. You nurture your children with the use of discipline. You spank them when they are young. Some of your kids are going to need more spankings. Some of your kids are going to need less. But that’s just one tool of discipline in your tool belt. 

When I was a kid, let me just say that I needed a higher-than-average frequency of spankings. I was a strong-willed child. My mom swears that James Dobson wrote that book The Strong-Willed Child about me. Other kids don’t need as many spankings. My more compliant sister didn’t need that much corporal punishment. My dad would just raise his voice at her, and she would melt into a pile of mush. Kids are different, and you have to play the hand that you were dealt. Different kids need different kinds of discipline, but all kids need discipline. All kids need training.

Sometimes that means reproof and correction. Sometimes that means a stern warning from dad. Sometimes that means punishment and the removing of privileges. You can’t spank a teenager; it’s pointless and fruitless. But you still need to discipline them. And there are more effective ways of discipline when your kids are teenagers.

 You discipline them. But that’s not all you do. You also instruct them in the ways of the Lord. 2) Instruction. The word for instruction here is the Greek νουθεσία. It’s a word that connotes “teaching” or “counsel” or even the stronger “admonition.” 

In ancient Israel, this was part of the mandate for children. In the famous “Shema” passage, Moses says the following in Deuteronomy 6:4 –7.

4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

Parents, your kids need this. They need instruction. They need guidance. Studies have actually shown that children who get poor or erroneous, moral instruction from their parents are better off than those who get none at all.

Parent, you are tasked with teaching your children God’s ways. You tell them what you believe and why you believe it. You’re not a drill sergeant. You’re not a police officer that just enforces conduct and lays down the law. You’re a teacher. You’re an instructor. You’re a discipler. 

Now you need to find a balance here. Some parents instruct too much and discipline too little. Don’t do that! Some parents discipline too much and instruct too little! Don’t do that. You got to strike a balance. And here’s an important point, as your kids age you need to dial down the discipline and correction and punishment and dial up the teaching and instruction and the reasoning for why you’re asking your kids to do the things they are doing. 

Why do we do this? Because you’re not just going for outward compliance to rules and regulations. You want heart change. You want to prepare them for life without you as their primary authority. You’re not just going for “O Wow don’t my kids look so obedient. Don’t you think I’m a good father. Don’t you think I’m a good mother!” Forget about that. You want heart-change! You want heartfelt obedience to God not just conformity to your will. 

If you just make your kids conform… if you just make your kids comply… if you just make your kids cower before you and your will as they grow older and older and older, then they will resent you. When they get loose from your grip, they will fly out farther than you could ever imagine, and they might not come back. And that’s because rules without reasons lead to rebellion. Don’t do that to your kids!

As your kids age, help move them from compliant obedience to heartfelt obedience. “No you can’t throw your brother off a third story roof.” “Well why?” Because he’ll die and that’s bad.” “No you can’t play with fire in your bedroom.” Etc. etc. 

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Write this down as a fifth point.

5) Do everything in your power to avoid exasperating your kids (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21)

Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger

Colossians 3:21 -Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

The NIV says it this way… “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” Alastair asked me to memorize that passage in ten different Bible versions. Don’t exasperate them. Don’t παροργίζω them. That Greek word even sounds terrible—παροργίζω. The word ὀργίζω means to “make angry.” παροργίζω means to “provoke to anger.” Paul’s command here gets to the heart of what bad parenting and bad fathering causes in children. It causes anger. It causes exasperation and discouragement. 

How do you exasperate your children? Well you can exasperate them by giving them all discipline and no instruction. Or you can exasperate them by giving them all instruction and no discipline. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! Just spank the kid already. He knows he needs it. 

A young girl in my church told her parents once that, “spankings make me happy!” She was serious. She knew that there was a behavior inside of her that she couldn’t curtail and so she needed help. She needed correction. 

Proverbs 22:15 - Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

What are some other ways to exasperate a child? How about favoritism? “O sweetie why can’t you be more like your brother, Billy.” Don’t do that! That causes an incredible amount of psychological pain for a child not to mention sibling rivalries instead of sibling love and unity. 

What are some other ways to exasperate a child? How about showing resentment towards them? “I had a great career going for me until I had you. Now I’m stuck.” Don’t do that! “I used to be healthy and in shape before I had you.” Don’t say that to your kids. Even if it’s true. Don’t make them feel like they made your life worse than it would’ve been otherwise. That is cruel. Children are a blessing from God. 

Psalm 127:3 – Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 

What else can we do to exasperate our children? Here’s a way—hypocrisy. Don’t tell them, “Don’t do that.” Even though you’ll do it. Don’t tell them, “Don’t watch that!” Even though, you’ll watch it. Don’t tell them, “Don’t you go to that place!” Even though, you’ll go there! 

You want to mess up your kids really badly? Don’t practice what you preach. The more that you teach them, the more they’ll deny, because they’ll see the hypocrisy in your life. And they’ll reject it. 

Here’s another way to mess your kids up. Don’t ever admit your mistakes. Don’t model repentance and forgiveness in-front of them. That is exasperating. That’s exasperating for God when you do that. How much more is it for your kids who see your mistakes and you aren’t willing to admit them. 

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Now here’s what I want to do before we’re done. I want to answer the question, “What about Marriage and Children.”

Our series is on marriage, and I know I’ve spent the bulk of our time talking about kids. So let’s marry those topics now and talk about the intersection of marriage and parenting. I’ll give you five crucial principles for how to parent well and protect your marriage at the same time. Okay. 

So write these down. #1.

1. Don’t let your kids divide you as a couple

Now I said something similar when I was preaching on in-laws. Don’t let mama and daddy divide you as a couple. But this one’s a little different. Kids are rarely looking to get their parents to divorce each other. That’s an incredibly painful thing for a young person. But what kids will do is exploit the disagreements and the lack of unity of their parents for their own advantage. And they are sneaky clever at doing this. 

And it doesn’t have to be a large disagreement. If there is an exposed crack anywhere to be found in your resolve as a couple, they’ll find it. They’ll run to it. And they’ll use it to their advantage. They’re sinners. They came from you! And so you and your spouse better get on the same page in areas of discipline and decision-making. And you better be rock-solid in unity and in your commitment to your decisions. Otherwise they’ll polarize you.

Look it’s not just the best thing for you, it’s the best thing for your children. It’s almost better if the two of you stand together for the wrong decision than to stand apart trying to figure out the better decision. In fact it’s been proven that a lot of teen suicide is the result not of bad laws in the home but of no laws. They call them Anomic suicide. The word Anomic means without law. It’s better for kids to have bad laws than lawlessness. So you as parents need to get on the same page. Don’t disagree with each other in-front of the children. Don’t argue in-front of the children. 

And for goodness’ sake don’t use your children as judge and jury in one of your debates. “Did you see that, Billy Bob? He did that, didn’t he?” Come on. Don’t do that to your children.

Here’s #2.

2) Create an expectation that your kids will honor your spouse 

Again this is for their own good. Remember what Ephesians 6 said:

Ephesians 6:2 –3 – “Honor your father and mother … that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 

A lot of teenage sons and daughters like to get sassy towards their parents at about age eleven. In our culture it’s like a rite of passage or something. If your son or daughter disrespects your wife, fathers you get in there and you let them know that they’re not going to talk to your wife that way. And if they continue then they’re going to have to answer to you for it. 

Moms, you don’t let your kids badmouth their father while he’s at work. You put a stop to that! And moms, let me just say this, if you disrespect your husband in front of your kids, you are taking an axe to the base of your own tree. You are sowing discord, and you will reap the whirlwind. That disrespect will come back on you in a big way.

Fathers, if you dishonor your parents in front of their grandkids, don’t be surprised when that comes back on you. Honor is something you need to teach your children, but you also need to model it.

Write this down as #3 and #4.

3) Moms, your first obligation as a parent is to love your kids’ dad

4) Dads, your first obligation as a parent is to love your kids’ mom

Pastor Tommy Nelson says, “If there is warmth and love and tenderness in the home between parents, you can violate just about every other child-rearing principle and still end up with a good kid. That’s not an admonition; that’s a comfort.” I have found that to be true. 

On the other side of it you can do everything else right as a parent. You can teach them the finest things. You can feed them the finest foods, gluten-free with no artificial sweeteners or preservatives. You can home-school them. You can ban them from listening to music on the radio or from watching movies. You can do all that and more as a parent, but if they don’t see love and tenderness and forgiveness and health at home… if they don’t see that in the relationship between mom and dad at home… the more you teach them, the more they will reject. 

So listen up now, dads. Your #1 way to love your kids is to love your kids’ mama. And moms, vice-versa. 

5) Chill out about non-vision, non-gospel related matters 

Listen, your kids don’t need an Ivy League education. Honestly, they’re probably better off without an Ivy League education. They don’t need a big contract to play professional sports. They’re probably better off not playing professional sports. They don’t need to be a virtuoso pianist. They don’t need to know how to speak a second language… They’re Americans! We specialize in speaking only one language. They don’t need to know how to conjugate verbs in Latin or Hebrew or Greek. But they need to fear God, know God’s Word, and follow Christ.

I remember reading Paul Tripp’s book on Parenting several years ago. He’s the first person that I heard say, “We don’t want to raise good kids; We want to raise gospel kids.” And one of the things that Tripp emphasizes in this book is that ultimately the children that God gives us don’t belong to us. They belong to God. 

And also Tripp writes, “God didn't give you your children to build your reputation but to publicly proclaim his.” And one of the mistakes that we can make as parents is to try to derive our identity from our children or try to enhance our reputation with our children, and that is incredibly oppressive for them. They can’t bear the weight of that. And so we’ve got to constantly be giving our children over to God. And we’ve got to constantly point them in the direction of God, because one day they will leave our homes, and we want their allegiance to God to continue even after they stop taking orders from us. 

Alastair’s teacher came up to me about ten years ago and said, “Your son is so talented; he’s going to be on American Idol someday.” And I said, “Thank you very much. It’s his mother’s fault he’s so talented. And I can assure you that he will not be on American Idol someday.” 

I didn’t care about that then, and I certainly don’t care about that now. What I care about is this—is he walking with Christ? Does he fear God? Does he love the Lord? That’s what I care about. That’s my vision for his life. That’s God’s vision for his life. Go after that together with your spouse as your fill the earth with offspring who fear and follow the Lord.

Taught by Tony Caffey

Senior Pastor of Verse By Verse Fellowship

Marriage & Our Maker